I turned 40 years old this year. Here's what I've learned about sex so far.

I turned 40 this year. It seems like a nice round number as which to sit down and look in the rear-view mirror at the journey my sexual self has taken.

Pre-18 Years

Some may think its a taboo subject but the reality is some of us do become sexually active at younger ages. I was masturbating before I knew what masurbating was called. For the longest time I thought people knew what I had done the night before and it made me so paranoid.

I often offered to play the damsel in distress in the school yard. Not because it made me the center of attention or because I wanted to be rescued...I just liked being tied up.

Thanks to my burning curiosity, my virginity was more of a burden than something to be "protected". I was too happy to be rid of it at the age of 15. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the number of partners I had that were my age or close to it can be counted on one hand. If I wanted experience, I needed to skew towards the older men. In hindsight, I think this is likely where my habit of making the best out of a bad situation started but I also think these experiences made me more resilient as I got older.

I loved it when someone I was with recommended something to do. I wasn't only curious about experiencing it for myself but also to see what their reactions would be to experiencing it with me. Having someone buy me my first set of lingerie. Introducing me to and gifting me my first vibrator. Learning I loved to have someone whisper my name in my ear during penetration. Loving a finger in my ass. Cybersex, or sexting is what we'd call it today, I guess. I had experienced two threesomes before I even graduated high school. By the time I turned 18, all kinds of sex had been normalized and nothing seemed off the table.

18 through 20

I slowed down during these years to focus on college and start figuring out how to move out of my parent's house. If these years had a theme, I'd say it was learning the act of sex was a lot easier than maintaining relationships. It was also during this time that I was introduced to BDSM as a lifestyle, albeit superficially. Despite having been sexually active for years by this time, it was also the first time I experienced an orgasm from oral sex. Unrelated, these years would also give me my first anal experience and anal orgasm. These years would also give me my second husband.

20 to 37

Suffice to say, monogamy did not suit me for long. We were married a total of 5 years before I started hinting at needing something extra. I wanted an open relationship. He compromised and offered swinging. It was full of traveling for sex, hot dates, full swap, soft swap, another threesome, sex clubs (Miami Velvet, Trapeze, Eyez Wide Shut, Secrets Hideaway), house parties and more. Social media took off during this time and it wasn't long before I discovered my love of exhibition and aggressive teasing. This led to becoming a burlesque dancer which then led to becoming a Dominatrix for several years.

I had always been submissive. I was happy to let my husband at the time do all the talking and make all the arrangements. I was passionate during sex but rarely advocated for things I wanted without being asked. Then I met someone who showed me the other side of the power dynamic and offered himself as the guinea pig for my introduction to being the Dominant one. Before long, I was flogging, sounding, electrocuting, banding, scratching, pegging, humiliating, demanding tributes, and feeling more confident in myself than I had ever felt in my life. I was in college during this time and I recall walking into a class at the same moment two other students were walking out and I heard one of them comment on how tall I was standing as I entered the room. Couldn't have been related to the domination scenes I was in that weekend, I'm sure.

Turns out, I have a sadistic streak but I still enjoy being dominated. So that makes me a switch.

I didn't realize it at the time but this was the beginning of the end of my marriage. I didn't follow along as easily with what was presented and saw myself as worthy of more, both of which tended to rub my ex the wrong way. I was divorced at 36. I tried my hand at the sugar bowl which only worked out for me once and I made a very important realization.

NEVER MIX MONEY AND SEX WITH FINANCIAL DESPERATION. This was the only time I ever had a sexual experience I came to regret.

36 to 39

The year that followed was also the year COVID wrecked all our lives. But that year gave me something else. Self-sufficiency and self-reliance. Thanks to a friend...who became a lover, who is presently my husband. It was a relationship that opened whole dimensions and universes of experience and inspired me to elevate my personal and professional goals. He also helped me discover that my left ear is a massive erogenous zone! It also grew my family. Now having a baby at 38 years old is WAY different than having a baby at 18 years old or 22 years old. My body reacted to pregnancy with very little grace. I experienced chronic pain in ways and places I never thought I would and after delivery, I lost every iota of sexual energy I ever had. I was struggling to lose the baby weight. I was tired all the time. Everything I had gained professionally came to a screeching halt or disappeared entirely. I lost my excitement for sex. It became a chore.

Bless my husband, he was patient and encouraging...and hopeful that I would get that groove back. I won't lie, there were moments I resented him and everyone for where I found myself. Then I shifted away from my WFH job. I became more aware of how I looked each day since I now had to go to an office and be face-to-face. A coworker said she wanted to get a gym membership but didn't want to do it alone. So I got a membership for myself. I started running every day. I went and saw a primary care doctor and asked for help with weight loss. They helped me out with a short-term appetite suppressant. Within 8 months, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight and guess what else had returned?

40

My libido. Going to the gym gives me so much energy and joy. Energy and joy goes hand in hand with feeling receptive to sex. Liking the way my clothes were fitting and how I looked in the mirror gave me my confidence back and I used that confidence to get back into sharing sexy pictures and writing erotica like I used to. Turns out, being an exhibitionist is a big part of my sexual identity. Having people comment positively on my appearance and perspectives validates what my husband has always told me...but I guess not only comment positively but ask for more. Then to be able to share those experiences with my husband and benefit from the sexual charge it gives us both? This feels like we're just scratching the surface of something even bigger still.

I'll be 41 soon and here is so much more I have to look forward to. We've been discussing going on a Bliss Cruise in the near future, just for starters. And then who knows what will follow after that? I have experienced so much already in this life and I can't wait to see what else this life has in store.